A telephone conversation, as I heard it … almost word-for-word:
Phone rings. I see it’s my mother on the other line and I pick up. Mentally, I buckle myself in and say a prayer.
Me: Hello.
Mom: Brian?
Me: Yeah, mom.
Mom: I’m calling to see what you want me to bring to the Mother’s Day picnic. You know, the one you’re having on Sunday.
Me: Yeah, mom, I know. I’m planning it. But don’t worry about bringing anything. It’s all taken care of. It’s Mother’s Day.
Mom: What?
Me: Don’t worry about bringing anything. It’s Mother’s Day.
Mom: I know it’s Mother’s Day. That’s why I’m calling. To see what I should bring.
Me: Nothing!
Mom: What?
Me: NOTH … ING!
Mom: You know I’m going deaf and can’t hear on the phone.
Me: That’s pretty apparent. Why don’t you get a hearing aid?!?
Mom: Beer!?! That’s tacky. I’m not bringing beer. Your brother can bring beer. What do you want me to bring?
Me: Oh, for crying out loud. Talk to Amelie. (I hand the phone to my daughter, the 4-year-old.)
Mom: Oh, Amelie! How are you? SQUAWK! SQUAWK! SQUAWK! (No idea what this means.)
Amelie: Grandma Evie, dad said you don’t have to bring anything. It’s Mudder’s Day.
Mom: I know it’s Mudder’s Day. So what does he want me to bring to the picnic?
Amelie: Grandma Evie, you’re not supposed to bring anything.
Mom: What?
Amelie: Nothing.
Mom: What?
Amelie: (Silence.) Oh, goodness gracious. Here, talk to mom.
Nancy: Hello?
Mom: Nancy? Where’d Amelie go?
Nancy: She’s sitting on the couch shaking her head and saying to herself, “She just doesn’t listen.”
Mom: Eating a shark fin? Where in the world would she have gotten a shark fin?
Nancy: (Pause) What is it you need exactly?
Mom: Oh … what do you want me to bring to the picnic?
Nancy: Nothing. You’re a guest.
Mom: What?
Nancy: NOTH … ING. YOU’RE … A … GUEST. You don’t have to bring anything. It’s Mother’s Day.
Mom: I know it’s Mother’s Day. That’s why I’m calling — to see what I should bring? Cole slaw? Potato salad?
Nancy: Are you going to make it yourself?
Mom: What?
Nancy: MAKE IT! Are you going to make it?
Mom: No, of course not. I’m going to buy it.
Nancy: Then we’re fine.
Mom: SQUAWK! SQUAWK! SQUAWK! (No idea what this means.) So I can bring whatever you need.
Nancy: Oh, my gosh. (Puts down the phone and walks away.)
Mom: I could buy a pineapple upside down cake. Would you all want a pineapple upside down cake? Brian, you used to love pineapple upside down cake. Or I could get bread from the Spanish Bakery. Hello? Hel-lo? Is anyone there? I can’t hear you all. You know I can’t hear on the phone. How about some cookies? I could …