Is This the End of Non-Iron?

Is nothing sacred anymore? Is nothing safe? Is this world so dangerous that everything we eat, wear, touch and spend any quality time with is carcinogenic? And most importantly, am I going to have to start ironing again?

Say it ain’t so.

I read an article the other day that has the potential to impact my life in the most dreadful way. It talked about a U.S. Environmental Protection Agency scientific review panel labeling a chemical used to manufacture Teflon as “likely” carcinogenic.

There will obviously be a lot of studying this as we go forward, but why such a big deal to me? Simple. I am in love with non-iron clothing, and Teflon is appears to be a major ingredient in this silky-smooth love potion that makes my clothes wrinkle-free.

What will the outcome be? I don’t know, except that if non-iron clothing ever left me, the devastation would be too much for my heart to withstand.

I WILL NOT GO BACK TO IRONING CLOTHES! I will first go live naked on a deserted island, dreaming of perfect pleats and sharp seams.

Non-iron clothing, for those of you who don’t know, is the greatest invention since the steam engine, antibiotics, Velcro and the Cheese Doodle. It is the first truly revolutionary change to clothing since man first said, “You know, I can cover up all my ugly body hair by draping this fancy tablecloth around me.”

So was born the kilt. Only decades later did early man — very vain and intellectually primitive — realize “clothes” could also be used to ward off frost bite and deadly hypothermia. How as a species we ever survived is beyond me, but suddenly, fewer people died.

Now, after centuries of battling an onslaught of wrinkles by burning holes in our shirts with irons, some really wise people got the idea to coat clothes with special chemicals that prevent this scourge. Apparently it’s Teflon-based, which also makes me wonder if there are bullet-resistant properties to my shirts and pants.

And I own a lot of them!

Why we as a society just can’t live side-by-side with wrinkles, accepting them rather than discriminating against and trying to banish them, is beyond me.

But that is the world we live in, and all I want to know is: Will iron-free clothing go away? Is my closet — stuffed with wrinkle-free shirts and pants — a cancerous ticking time bomb?

Please federal government, don’t take them away.

I can’t go back. I won’t go back. I’m hooked, my health be-dammed. I’m a junkie, I’ll admit it. An addict. Friends will come up to me, tell me they’re worried about my future and that I need to “get off the junk” before I end up in jail.

“Dude, this is who I am,” I’ll tell them. “I can quit any time I want, and everyone’s doing it.”

If non-iron today, what’s next? Shredded wheat? Is nothing in this world not carcinogenic? Here’s a sampling of Reuters news headlines on cancer I found from just the past couple weeks: “High dairy diet may up ovarian cancer risk,” “Scientists may have found meat link to colon cancer,” “Alcohol underestimated as cancer cause,” and this frightening one, “Infectious cancer killing Tasmanian devils.”

It must stop.

But in the meantime, I don’t know what to do. Dupont, maker of Teflon, says its products are safe and that there are no risks associated. I tend to take their word for it, if only because I can’t go back to ironing. Plus, how could anything this good be that bad for you? Although isn’t that what most addicts say? Non-iron shirt, I will always love you, and I won’t let them take you away from me.

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