I was in New York City this week. My sister-in-law got married. The ceremony was held at Central Park’s Belvedere Castle. It was beautiful and romantic and so cold I’m still thawing out the ’ole hindquarters.
There is no such thing as a bad time in New York, though, and everything is an experience — a “can you believe we just saw a half-naked Santa Claus eating a hot dog?” experience. So here are just a few of my recollections after four days and a wedding in New York:
• Disney World Syndrome (DWS) is alive and well in Manhattan. DWS is what my wife terms an affliction that causes tourists to walk straight out into the middle of a busy road with no regard for oncoming traffic. They do this because they think it’s like Disney’s Main Street USA and that the cars careening toward them are just elaborate animations made to look real.
DWS is at pandemic proportions in New York. While strolling through Central Park — where a freak October snowstorm turned the landscape into a winter wonderland — we watched as some foreign tourists decided the ideal spot to take a family photo was … IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!
Unfortunately it was also the ideal spot for a biker. Needless to say, he crashed into them. Much arguing in various languages ensued and then I heard the biker say something so profound I shall never forget it. He said, calmly: “I don’t know what you’re saying … but you can’t stand in the middle of the road!” Oh, a fellow DWS warrior.
• Speaking of snow, Floridians like me always see it and think that a snowball fight is in order. But we don’t realize, or remember, that our hands will be completely numb within seconds, that most snowballs are 50 percent hard-packed ice and 50 percent mud and gravel, and that inevitably a snowball will make it through the collar of our jackets before painfully slithering down to our bellies and nether regions below. In a matter of minutes we’re frostbitten, bleeding and soaked to the bone.
• General wedding advice: Pick up and deliver a cake. Offer to pay for the bride and groom’s honeymoon. Promise to fight off pirates if they attack during the wedding ceremony. But at all costs, make sure you never — EVER! — get stuck trying to brush out a 5-year-old girl’s hair. She will call Child Services on you for abuse, and even after all your “expert” work, it will still look like a nest built by a blind squirrel.
• While we’re on the subject, if anyone asks you to videotape their wedding, politely decline by saying something like, “I would rather have railroad spikes driven into my shin bones.” Or tell them you’re prone to the shakes. Because it’s a tremendous responsibility — an incredibly nerve-racking experience that you will fail at miserably. People will watch this video for the rest of their lives, and every time they do, they will curse your name for being video incompetent. They will say things like, “Zoom in, you idiot … Zoom!” Or, “Why is he so focused on my breasts all the time?” Or, “Jeez, he has the shakes! I told you he was drunk.”
I did the videotaping and it was pressure-filled. I jockeyed for the best positions, shoving hired photographers, young children and the groom’s mother out of the way. I held the camera high above the crowd until I lost all feeling in my arm. I tried to be artsy, capturing what I thought was metaphoric narrative involving clouds, peoples shoes, and wild, blurry panning. Plus, I added occasional commentary that when translated will sound roughly like, “Damn-it, lady, if you step on my (bleepin) foot one more time …” For years I will have to deny this is what I said.
• Eating pancakes alone with your daughter in a second floor window overlooking 42nd Street is, for some unexplainable reason, the most magical and unforgettable of experiences.
• The greatest inventor of all time was not Thomas Edison. It’s the guy who invented the black and white cookie.