I must be a damn fool. A DAMN fool!
Never, in my wildest dreams, in my foolhardy notions, did I realize there were styles — actual styles! — of parenting. Did you know this? Do you have one?
It’s apparently just like clothing … plaid, skinny jeans, 70s post-hippie chic, drank two 12-packs and woke up in a kilt three days later. All styles.
Same thing with parenting. There are dozens, maybe even hundreds, of styles to choose from. I was bumbling about the Internet the other night when I learned this. I came across an article that talked about the most controversial ones. I thought it was about clothes that embarrass your kids so bad that they run off to join the circus. I had to click on it.
What I found blew my mind! All of these methods for raising children — in this case wild, far-out ones that are now in vogue. Like something called “Permissive Parenting.” This is when the parent doesn’t set any expectations or lay out any hard and fast rules. It has also been referred to as the, “Gee, officer, I don’t know why Timmy would have burned down the house” style.
The more I looked into it, the more I found.
I had no idea. I’ve gone more than 6 years without a parenting style, and I was alarmed. How could I be so foolish?!? I have to catch-up. I have to find one of my own … quick.
I am DESPERATELY out of style!
So I’m doing my homework. Looking at all the options. Weighing all the pros and cons so I can land one before I lose any more time.
I have so many to choose from. There’s the Smartphone Method. That’s when you stay glued to your phone for the first 15 years of your child’s life. That way you never hear them whine, “Dad, I’m hungry!” “Dad, when are we going to play soccer at the park!” or “Dad, the car’s on fire and you forgot to zip your fly again!”
There is the Parenting App, which also involves your phone. It takes all the responsibility of raising a child off your shoulders. The app dishes out parenting fundamentals — “Water your child at least three times a day” — along with helpful advice on how to govern your brood — “Yell for no good reason today. It’ll teach them the importance of civility.”
There’s the little-known, but highly-effective Yoga Parenting Method. This is primarily used for discipline. What you do is pick out your favorite, most complex yoga pose — double king cobra or backward mantis will do fine — and when your child acts up, you threaten to twist him or her into that shape. It comes with diagrams and everything! (Note: Actually twisting your child into a yoga pose may also bring a visit from Child Services.)
There’s the Multiple God parenting style. This is when you spend 30 minutes each morning praying to every available god (including some made up in comic books) so that your child never ends up in prison or has the urge to drive a car. There’s the Pot-head Method. No, it doesn’t involve any type of illegal narcotics. Rather, you approach every parenting issue with the same simple mantra: “Dude, man, you know … like … it’ll all work out.” By chanting this thousands of times you will either start to believe it yourself, or run off to a commune in the mountains where you will subsist solely on wheat grass juice. Either way, it all works out.
There’s the “What Would My Parents Do?” method. That’s when you approach every parenting situation with that one simple question. Then you do the exact opposite.
On and on the styles go. And frankly, I’m more confused than ever. Lost and even demoralized. What a terrible parent to lack a parenting style. You can’t properly raise a child in this day and age without one. I’ve set her up for titanic failure! She’ll grow up to be a cannibal!
Sure, she’s turned out alright so far. But that’s just blind luck. All these styles wouldn’t be controversial if they didn’t work.
Truth is I’m behind the curve. I’ve got to get with it. No more playing soccer at the park. No more listening to her as she tells me something caught fire on the stove. I’ve got to put all my energy into picking a style.