Boy, there’s nothing more boring, or sad, than sitting alone at a hotel bar drinking beer. Even worse is when you’re talking to yourself like right now out loud.
What do you do? I don’t know. Never been in this situation before. What are those other stiffs doing? Hmmn. Staring at their beer. Watching baseball on TV. Turning soggy bar napkins into origami that resembles chicken dumplings. I can do that.
(Ten minutes later and the napkin looks like porridge.)
OK, now what. I’ll look around some more. Lots of interesting people that I could care less about. Is it me, or am I by far the best looking person in this room? Look at me in that mirror. I’m gorgeous! Look at me. Handsome, good lookin’ hair, sharp dresser, and oh crap! is that spinach in my teeth? Jeez, that mirror’s 20 yards away and I can still see it
(Ten minutes later and I’ve jury-rigged a toothpick out of a splinter in the bar and discreetly removed the spinach while pretending I was tying my shoe.)
Why’s that lady keep staring at me? I hate when people stare at me. The spinach is gone, lady, get over it. OK, now this is really freakin’ me out. Maybe if I stare at my beer she’ll stop. Stare at beer. Stare at beer. Is she still looking? YES! Stop it, stop it, STOP IT! Uh-oh, now she’s coming my way! Why’s she coming my way? Wonder if she’s going to stab me. She looks sinister. Wonder if she knows karate. I don’t know karate. Why does an old lady have such a big bag? I wonder what’s in it? Maybe I should start talking like a crazy person. Better yet, I should go into the fetal position and start screaming. Then someone will come to my aid. OK ready and oh, she’s just meeting that woman by the door
(Ten minutes later and I’m bored again, now asking myself random questions that pop into my head.)
So I wonder how many grains of sugar are in a sugar packet? Why don’t they have sugar cubes anymore? What IS Sweet and Low? How come they don’t put sugar in beer? How come they have beer sausage, but no sausage beer? Why does this bar smell like they were cleaning fish on it? I wonder if anyone has ever studied whether gasses released from beer froth is contributing to global warming. I wonder if that picture of Jimmy Carter is real. I mean, would a sitting president really stuff a peanut up his nose?
(Ten minutes later and I spot a menu sitting on the bar.)
Maybe I’ll order some food. Yeah! Food would be good. I have an expense account and everything. I never eat well when I travel. But not tonight, boy. I’m gonna treat myself to the most expensive meal on the menu. Something real expensive like steak or lobster or steak-stuffed lobster with shrimp on top. Let’s get wait a minute $7.95 hamburger is as expensive as it gets?
(Ten minutes later and I’ve called it quits, paid my tab and headed for the room. You can talk to yourself all you want in your room and there’s no one to see you do it, unless that old lady from the bar is lurking around somewhere.)