The big day is here. My brother is getting married.
Family are coming into town, last minute arrangements are being tended to, I’m trying to write a speech, and my mother is starting to talk like a hyena with a caffeine overdose and a good gulp of helium. All her words run together into one long sentence an auctioneer might utter: “Brian I need you to get with the National Weather Service and make sure it’s going to be warmer than 65 degrees because I don’t want to pack my sweater and I’m not wearing stockings so do whatever you need to including paying them off because you know how I hate the cold and it will ruin everything and I won’t be able to dance with Scott which means he will get a divorce …”
To me it sounds like one long answering machine beep and my mind wanders until I hear a voice on the end of the other line demand: “Brian! Did you get all that?”
“Are you kidding me?” I ask. “I’m still trying to figure out who you are!”
But this day isn’t about my mother. It’s about my brother, and so I thought it fitting to take this space and offer my younger sibling some wisdom and advice about getting married:
• For starters, during the ceremony it can get a little crazy. There’s been a lot leading up to this. You’re nervous, the attention is on you and you’re making a huge life decision here. You could feel light headed and want to feint, if for no other reason, to avoid dealing with family anymore. You know the paramedics won’t let them ride in the ambulance, so it’s an easy out. But don’t take it. If you get the sensation of the world starting to spin, do what ice skaters do and focus on one stationary point. In this situation, I suggest the bar. It’s stable, it’s a place of comfort, and what you’re ultimately striving to get to.
• There is a time and place for humor. During your vows is not one of them. Don’t “accidentally” proceed your message with the wrong girl’s name, and when you’re asked if “you will take this woman,” do not say something like, “Take her where exactly?” or “OK. That’s option A, but what’ve you got for option B and C?” You want to get off on the right foot, and that could get your left one stomped.
• Drink lots of fluids, and I’m talking water here. The average groom can lose 13 gallons of water during a marriage ceremony, so dehydration is an issue you have to take seriously. Station a man nearby like they do in boxing matches to run over with a squeezable water bottle for when you get parched. Give him a towel to blot your head and he also should have smelling salts.
• Make sure you’ve cleaned and trimmed your fingernails. Mom — you know this — will stop the ceremony and make you do it right there in front of everybody if you forget. Remember high school graduation?
• Be gracious, courteous, smile a lot, and by all means, wear socks … on both feet!
• During the dance, remember that you are about 200 pounds, wear size 11 shoes that resemble junkyard car smashers, and can crush your new wife’s feet like sugar candy. There is nothing less romantic than spending your wedding night in the ER with her foot jammed in an x-ray machine.
• Most of all, when your bride starts crying — and she will — don’t whisper to her, “Honey, better use a tissue. You’re starting to look like that bass player in the band KISS.”
This wisdom is my gift to you on this very special day. Please use it and get this thing over with so mom stops calling me.