Forty years old. Four big decades. Whew! A major milestone like this is a chance to look back and remember where you’ve come from, and all the things you’ve been through.
It’s also a time to look forward — to not dwell on the past, but to focus on the future and where you’re going. Life is meant to be lived, by golly, so in honor of my 40th birthday, I give you “40 wishes for my 40th year.”
1. To invent something really revolutionary and world changing. Like a manly boa, or a Swiss Army shoe. You know, a shoe you can use as a can opener or to fight off bandits.
2. Solve the Post Office’s budget problems while also eliminating junk mail.
3. Discover the secret to totally ripped abs through a workout that involves eating nothing but chocolate chip cookies.
4. Get rich and retire. But not through the lottery. That’s just too much work!
5. To understand college students. I’m around them every single day, but for the life of me, I can’t figure them out. If it’s freezing outside, put a daggone jacket on, friend!
6. To understand 7-year-olds. If it’s freezing outside, put a daggone jacket on, kid!
7. To do something really wild and spontaneous and carefree, like convince someone else to go bungee jumping or cliff diving.
8. To disprove that “40 is the new 30.” Because who wants to be 30 again? You had no money, your furniture was found on the side of the road, and you thought eating regularly at the Outback meant you made it in the world.
9. To finally fix the lattice under my house. I’ve only been putting off doing that for the last 12 years.
10. To finally realize I will never fix the lattice under my house and hire someone to do it for me.
11. To finally realize I will never haul off and hire someone to do the lattice and go back to doing it myself.
12. Hope that the lattice indecisiveness holds out until I turn 41, at which time the pressure of this list will be gone.
13. Come up with a cure for Shedding Dog Syndrome. I mean, how much hair can a dog lose without going bald? Is she buying it in bulk? Does she store it up and run around the house while we’re gone, tossing it around like confetti? It defies the laws of dog physics.
14. Come out and admit that I actually like watching Disney Channel shows. Or at least don’t hate them. I mean, OK, like, “Dog with a Blog” is pretty super awesome!
15. Figure out why my shed is like a clown car, and no matter how much crap I throw away, more stuff always seems to materialize and trip me when I’m carrying extremely heavy, sharp or toxic objects.
16. Figure out why I have a leaf blower, yet never use it.
17. Figure out why my motion detecting floodlights don’t detect motion. I mean, they only have one job and they can’t even do that!
18. Spend less time sitting in front of the TV. Instead, sit caddy corner to it.
19. Ask myself deep, philosophical, motivating questions when I wake up in the morning like, “Are you ready to seize the day?”
20. Reply to myself, “Shut the heck up with your stupid clichés! It’s too early and I need to go to the bathroom.”
21. Figure out how to write a novel by talking into my iPhone while lying on the couch and eating a bag of pretzels.
22. Teach my dog how to catch a ball without looking like a triple jumper who’s been electrocuted. She spastically propels her body up into the air, limbs and other body parts shooting out in every direction. More often than not she lands on her back. And most of the time I haven’t even thrown the ball yet.
23. Finally learn how to follow through with something. Like this list. It’s impossible. I’m never going to come up with 40 things! Not by deadline. I’m out! Maybe next year … or when I turn 50.