You know you’re living the dream when you find yourself comparison shopping for toilets. Yes, I said that right: comparison shopping for toilets.
That’s when you decide that the one that has been in your house since you bought and renovated it will no longer do. That your past self was a cheap neophyte with the wisdom of bread mold. That the old commode with its non-stop running should be replaced, not merely fixed. And that you should take the next step up to luxury and water closet bliss with a modern, convenient, comfortable and truly sophisticated … dude, that just sounds ridiculous!
It’s a frickin’ toilet!
Which is why I feel so ridiculous. I actually went on Consumer Reports to see what the testing experts had to say about all the models and frills and accoutrements of today’s ultra high-tech porcelain palaces.
Because, if you haven’t shopped for a toilet recently — and I can’t even believe I’m saying this! — it’s option city out there.
There’s lots of new technology to consider. NASA-like technology. For instance, I had to learn the difference between — get this — pressure-assisted and gravity-fed. WaterSense certification. Dual-flush technology. The engineering behind the modern-day flush mechanism.
Then there are the different looks and styles, which sounded a little like bathing suit shopping. You have one-piece models and two-piece models. Rounded, elongated and even new “comfort” height models.
There are no-slam seats. The days of getting really angry, going into the bathroom and taking your frustration out on the poor, defenseless toilet seat are over. Now I need to go outside and kick a rake around.
No-slam seats? Comfort height? Dual-flush?
People, not too long ago our ancestors’ considered high-tech and super comfy a bush that didn’t have a hornet’s nest in it. Is this the measure of how far we’ve come?
Today’s modern toilets do everything. They save water. They travel to Africa on their summer breaks and dig wells for poor villagers. They calculate taxes and predict weather patterns and darn your socks if you ask them nicely.
Last weekend I was at a hardware store asking highly technical, incredibly embarrassing questions like: “Does it really dispatch solid waste with only 3 teaspoons of water?”
I’ve become a pooper nerd.
Then there are the names — the ultra-fancy, sophisticated, utterly ridiculous names. Once upon a time we had simple names for toilets. You know, like “toilet.” If we needed description we jazzed it up: “white toilet.”
But here’s a sample of today’s toilets: Titan, Colony, Cimarron, Wellworth, Highline, Devonshire, Yorkville, Champion, Cadet, Siphonic and the Vicki.
The Vicki? I don’t really want to use something called “the Vicki!” It would be like using “the Steve” or “the Barbara.”
This was, I kid you not, the actual description I read online: (The Vicki) captures the grace and charm of a bye-gone era with this delightfully attractive arctic white Elongated Front Water Closet. Truly a fixture reminiscent of the Victorian age with its simple edging along …”
For a moment I thought I was reading a Dickens novel.
Have toilets become the new status symbol? Are you supposed to invite people over, skip showing off the high-end pizza oven or the Jumbotron home theater and instead lead them to the lavatory where they marvel at your new Chesterfield Classic with a flush that sounds like mockingbirds.
“Brian, you will truly be the envy of high society.”
I did it. I’ve arrived! Please have some Crudités and relax in my WC.
I have seen the end of civilization, and it rides in on a frilly toilet named the Winstonian.
Who am I to fight it? Might as well just accept it. Go buy one of the newfangled commodes with the heated seats that recline like a Barcalounger. Get the one with surround sound and 3-D technology. That will promise to end droughts in Africa and make me feel like a Medieval king, or Cary Grant. Someone please bring me the Vicki. I’m ready for the grace and charm and styling of a bye-gone era.