I left the dime in the rental car. I went through the arm rest and wadded up the napkins. I grabbed the empty coffee cups. I took the half empty bottle of Purell and even checked to see if anything was left in the trunk. I threw it all away. But I left the dime in the cupholder. I had considered grabbing it. Stopped to think about taking it with me. Ten cents? Nah, I told myself. I’m not a rich man, but I can afford to leave a dime. It’s too much trouble. I don’t want it rattling around in my pocket with keys. What am I going to do with a dime anyway? So I left it behind. I couldn’t throw it away. And I’m feeling awfully guilty now about even thinking that way.
Oh yes, it gets hot down in Florida, too
I almost forgot what it’s like to be a Floridian. What it means to be a Floridian. How brutal our summers can get. When the heat turns on, coating the land and sticking to everything. A mild spring will do that to you. It will make you forget you’re a Floridian and that you live in a super-charged microwave. It will lull you into a Northern vibe. You know, the kind that makes you think pleasant weather and late-in-the-year cold fronts and light jackets are common. But they’re not. This is Florida. The land where citrus pasteurizes itself on the tree. It gets hot. Scald your hindquarters hot!
Now for some “tips” on surviving a vacation to Orlando
I have met mayhem, and it is called Orlando over Memorial Day weekend. That’s when all the people come out. When the heat turns up. When even ice cream is hot. When the only way to move about a theme park is to body surf atop the crowds. When the roads are lined with people from Wisconsin and Kansas who have forgotten their cars came pre-installed with gas pedals. (They just stop in the middle of four-lane highways!) I took the family to Orlando where we stayed in a resort, visited the Magic Kingdom and drank so much chlorinated pool water that our insides are bleached white. As with all my trips, I learned a lot. So I figured I would share some tips on how to make it back alive. Heed my advice:
A bookbag full of … digital textbooks?
We shouldn’t be shocked really. Because we all knew this was the way things were heading. It’s a digital world ruled by digital devices, so doesn’t it make sense that textbooks in school would be next? Yet, something in me was a little stunned when I read the article headlined, “Lawmakers approve move to digital textbooks.”
Happy Mother’s Day … Now here are your worms
I hope you thanked your mom on Mother’s Day. That fearless woman who brought you into the world. After carting you about in her womb. Who raised you and made sure your shoes were tied and your teeth brushed. Who made sure you grew up to be respectable and responsible and, if nothing else, somewhat civilized. You use a napkin, right? Because we all owe them that — a little thanks. Did you kiss your momma last Sunday? Actually, I didn’t. If I tried to kiss mine, she would swat me on the head. It’s not her thing.
Answering the call of the ice cream truck
There I sat, desperately trying to write a column — forcing myself to sit at the desk so I could work my way through some half-baked idea.
But tinkling through the air came a sound — music. A cacophony of bleeps and whistles, frenetic and super-charged.
A merry-go-round on speed.
Summer commeth … and the winter projects still aren’t finished
It happens every year. EVERY doggone year. You think we would be wise to it by now. But we’re not, and don’t realize the error of our ways until the cool spring air starts to fizzle and the inferno that is Florida begins its scorching march across the land.
A Farewell to Summer (even if we still have the heat)
Goodbye, summer. We hardly knew you. How quickly those sun-drenched months came to a close this year. Always seems like there will be so much time — so much FREE time to just settle in, relax and enjoy the slow life. But the slow life isn’t ever slow. And before you know it, it’s gone. It’s September already. September! The doorway to fall. Sure, it’s still 95 degrees outside and your underwear melts to your waist every time you walk outdoors. But September signals it’s over. Kids go back to school. Work gears up again. The streets feel busier and more bustling. People get more serious, more hurried and less relaxed. Vacations are just a distant memory. In September, the light starts to change. Can’t you see it? The sky is bluer and brighter. The shadows linger longer across the land. The sun drops quicker from the sky like it’s late for a dinner party, and the dusk drowns the world in browns and golds.
Hurricane Planning and All Those C Batteries
Yes, it’s time. As storms line up in the Atlantic and Hurricane Earl tip-toes by us, we should all review our hurricane planning. Don’t be caught unprepared and unaware. Come up with a plan, buy some supplies and listen to the advice of experts. And in that spirit, let me offer up a few of my own helpful tips that will get you ready should the big one strike. • Batteries — Make sure you have enough C batteries. Tons of C batteries. Enough to power the International Space Station. Why C batteries? Because if your house is like mine, every portable lamp, every radio and every other piece of survival equipment you have actually runs on D batteries. And you won’t have a single one of those. My C battery stash — so large the floor in my closet is sagging under its weight — is thanks to my aunt. Every Christmas she buys my daughter a toy that can run for 5 years on a single C battery. But because she expects we will keep it until the next millennium or maybe because she owns stock in Duracell, she also buys dozens and dozens of backups. Every year! So all of these batteries are sitting there, waiting to be used and leaking battery acid all over the shelf. And when a real storm comes and I stumble about in the dark looking for them, I will realize the irony of stocking so many unusable batteries, then have a […]
Dancing With the Devil … While Navigating Disneyworld
“You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?” It’s a question The Joker asks Batman right before he shoots him. A great movie line, and one I thought about while braving the unrelenting crowds that swarmed through the streets and rides of Disney World this Memorial Day weekend. There are much wiser ways to take your life into your own hands. You can smear a meat-flavored cupcake on a sleeping lion. You can run out into traffic. You can charge into a biker bar and yell, “Ya’ll ride a bunch of girl’s bikes and look like leather pansies.” All would definitely get you killed. But if you’re gonna’ go, you want the quick and painless route. Not to die a slow agonizing death in scorching heat while herds of tourists trample your poor, broken body. Crumpled on the ground as they roll over you with strollers and $6 beverages, you cry, “Why didn’t I check the calendar before I booked the room?” You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? Yes, yes I have. OK, it wasn’t that bad. As Memorial Day weekends go, I’d rate it as tame. Remember: I’m a third generation Floridian. Buried in our DNA coding are the tactics and survival skills that our forefathers used thousands of years ago to brave holiday crowds at primitive theme parks. They honed these skills while taking their children on rides like “It’s a Pterodactyl World” and “The Real Pirates of the Caribbean.”