I have met mayhem, and it is called Orlando over Memorial Day weekend. That’s when all the people come out. When the heat turns up. When even ice cream is hot. When the only way to move about a theme park is to body surf atop the crowds. When the roads are lined with people from Wisconsin and Kansas who have forgotten their cars came pre-installed with gas pedals. (They just stop in the middle of four-lane highways!)
I took the family to Orlando where we stayed in a resort, visited the Magic Kingdom and drank so much chlorinated pool water that our insides are bleached white. As with all my trips, I learned a lot. So I figured I would share some tips on how to make it back alive. Heed my advice:
• Just because the fancy complimentary hotel breakfast buffet has every meat imaginable doesn’t mean you have to eat them all. Yes, a shrimp omelet, homemade corned beef hash, eggs benedict, bacon and a breakfast sausage the size of a fire extinguisher may look appealing, but they will also harden your arteries by lunch. Next time I’m eating cantaloupe and yogurt.
• Never go on spinny rides right after lunch. This bears repeating: NEVER go on spinny rides right after lunch.
• Always make sure your swim trunks are tied tight before you hop out of the pool. This also bears repeating, especially if you hop out in dramatic fashion in front of a bunch of kids: ALWAYS make sure your swim trunks are tied tight!
• If you forget to bring pool toys, realize YOU are the pool toy. And if you’re a man, wear a cup. Your “special region” will thank you for it.
• Yelling, “Move stinkin’ monorail, I’m about to wet my shorts!” doesn’t actually make it move. It just makes you think about wetting your shorts.
• Forget all about the value of money. In fact, forget that you ever had any. Because you won’t for long.
• For that matter, don’t try to comprehend why a brownie sundae in a small plastic cup costs $9. Instead, focus on how you’re going to get a bite before your family devours it all.
• Recognize your daughter’s underwater pee-pee dance. It’s similar to her on-land pee-pee dance, but with more wiggling and occasional gurgling. It’s also often accompanied by a slight warming of the water.
• Yes, your child might be (insert age here.) Yes, she does have two feet and they both work. And yes, even though you tell her this hundreds of times, you WILL still carry her from one end of the theme park to the other. The upside is her weight will nicely counterbalance the 50-pound rucksack your family planted on your back like you’re some kind of Sherpa.
• Don’t blame your children for acting like mini-tornadoes in public. Remember: You’re the one who gave them sugar drinks, cotton candy, ice cream and then unleashed them in a place called the “Magic Kingdom.” Duh!
• A nice, cold beer at the end of a long, hot day will help dull your senses, true. But in my experience, nothing works better than a good rubber mallet to the head.
• Most of all — in spite of the crowds, the bad drivers, the overpriced food, the sunburns and the hyperactive children — make sure you enjoy the heck out of it. Act like you’re 7 again. Whoop it up. Because your kids won’t be kids forever, and it’s not every day that you get to eat at a complimentary buffet breakfast.