When did “do it yourself” become such a trendy, positive, popular term? I mean, it used to be a negative. Something you would shout when you were fed up with someone, and usually with a bit of nastiness tacked onto the end: “Oh yeah, well do it yourself … jerk face!” But, not today. Not when we’re all proud “do-it-yourselfers.” And even though I’ve sworn off doing-it-myself — numerous times — I always find I’m pulled back in. Lured to a new project I should have hired out. Like when I decided to fix a water filter assembly in my refrigerator. Yeah! Good idea! So here are a few tips I think everyone should ponder before launching into their own DIY nightmares … I mean … projects: • Make sure you do it right before heading out of town on a business trip. Your wife will absolutely love this when she realizes the “fix” you may (or may not) have just completed could send a jet of cold water spraying into the kitchen while you’re gone.
The taming of the yard
What does a fountain say about a yard? A fancy, sophisticated fountain. A big one, bubbling and gurgling with delight. There are few sounds better than that soft, flowing collision of water. It doesn’t take much — just a splatter or two — and it will transform a mood. Calm the senses. Make you say things like, “Nirvana!” (And I don’t even know what that means.) That’s what we just installed in our backyard — a fountain. Amidst some fresh pine needles. Where I tore up all the roots and vines. Where I just landscaped. The child’s fort and swings are down. The chicken — there’s only one now — is no longer allowed to dig her bomb craters and root around in the pine needles. The dog is banned from cutting ruts like tank tracks. Now the fountain is the coup de grace. (And I don’t know what that means, either.)
Spring, and the house project misfires
Oops. Minor slip-up. Minor scheduling delay. Misread the calendar. Or the month. Or the year. Could be I stepped into some kind of time warp. Launched me forward into the future. That would explain it. Nothing else will. How it’s suddenly March and the task list from December (which is really from September) is still sitting on my desk. Ooops. March!?! Wait a minute, say that again. That’s virtually spring. The pollen is already out. And for that matter, it’s practically summer, when the heat kicks in. And if I’m not careful, it’s fall. It’s practically fall, people!
The grown-up backyard
My daughter, and a carpenter bee the size of a VW Beetle, were not happy with me. This was detailed in a letter I received from my child that read: “Dad, I am not only mad, upset, and disappointed in you because you took down a piece of my childhood, but also because somebody was living in there.” The somebody was the gigantic bee. He, or she — I didn’t stop to ask — was hovering above the pile of cut and rotting wood I had stacked up. I heard little buzzing curses directed my way. Whether they were coming from the insect or my daughter, I wasn’t quite sure. Clearly, I had not made friends. The pile was what remained of my daughter’s fort — an elevated playset with a green plastic slide, a steering wheel and telescope, and enough memories to fill a book.
Lessons on spring yard work
Oh, the lessons. Those that we should have learned by now when it comes to spring yard work. The ones that could have saved us pain and mental anguish this year if only we had remembered. For instance, how … • A dingy fence is better than an aching back. It is known fact that no back pain has ever been reported by a homeowner who chose NOT to repaint a fence. Zero instances. Medical fact. But if you choose to repaint that dreaded fence, with dozens of gothic pickets that require extra attention for those tough-to-get spots, it will feel as if elephants have tap danced on your spine. Not to mention inner thigh pain. (Why does that even hurt!?!) Plus, you will miss so many spots on the fence that your neighbors will gloatingly point this out while asking if you need glasses. Or, since you’re covered head-to-toe in white paint, whether you used the wrong end of the brush. • You should never point out needed repairs to your wife. As we painted the fence, I noticed how a piece on the gate had come loose. By “come loose” I mean that there is no scientific explanation for how it actually stayed attached. It was totally defying physics. “Oh no,” my wife said. “You should probably fix that. And now that you mention it … the whole gate is looking like it might need to be replaced.” Ten minutes later and this casual mention had turned attention […]
Surviving the pollen apocalypse
It’s always a shock to the system. Leave the state for a handful of days in March and return to a very different place. Cool and glorious one minute, hot and yellow the next. Oh yeah, I live in Florida! Spring = heat + pollen. I wasn’t gone that long. Just a few days in New York for a conference. New York, where there was still snow on the ground. Where the temperatures dipped down to freezing at night. Where the color scheme consisted of gray, light gray and winter sludge — a combination of ice, gravel and 3-day-old pizza crust. Where the only REAL color was when the tip of my nose turned Rudolph red. Pollen is just a dream in New York, no matter how much the store displays with phony flowers and pastel-y prints try to convince you it’s spring. No, not yet. New York is still an atrocious shade of winter sludge — like living in a black and white film. But not Florida. I was only gone a couple of days, yet stepping off the plane I realized how much I take Florida’s lush green landscape for granted. AND … how I forgot about March’s pollen assault. How everything turns Tweety Bird yellow and it feels like there are sandspurs in your lungs. We Floridians know just how to deal with pollen season, don’t we? If you’re not familiar, here are a few tips: • Wash your car. Because there’s nothing more wonderfully futile then […]
New invention: The pop-up yard
I am using my column this week to officially request proposals from top inventors around the world who are prepared to bring to market (and more importantly, me!) a product that will revolutionize landscaping forever. The proposal I am requesting is for the world’s first … wait for it … Pop-Up Yard™. (That’s good, right? A yard that you can buy to replace your own brown, weed-ridden, unkempt winter yard. Don’t try to steal the idea. It’s trademarked.) Guidelines for proposals will be addressed below. This is a competitive bidding process, and all proposals will be judged on their merit, as well as their ability to submit documentation that does not have any food spills or stains on it. Good luck and I look forward to your ideas. 1. The Pop-Up Yard should be easy to install. I am envisioning something akin to a bouncy house that you hook up to a giant inflator. Or possibly something you unroll across your weed-covered, mangy-looking landscape, revealing a bright, shiny green oasis of spring-time wonder. Extra points will be given for proposals including hummingbirds, the scent of jasmine and a device that prevents my dog from relieving herself in the EXACT!!! location where my morning newspaper lands.