It is a place only the bravest dare enter. Littered with hidden dangers, psychological pitfalls, and pressures that will turn coal into diamonds, then back into coal. Many strong men and women have never returned, lost their minds, lost everything. It is not for the faint of heart. The weak. The inexperienced.
It is … hosting Thanksgiving.
And it is upon us. I will have 10 family members, a toddler and an undetermined quantity of dogs/critters this holiday. Am I ready? There is no “ready.” It’s more like what astronauts experience when blasting into space: buckle up, hold on and try not to wet your pants. So with that, I bring you a Thanksgiving survival checklist that may help you prepare for your own hosting:
• Study great battles from history. Understand strategy and what led to conflict. Know that the best laid plans never survive the first argument over a drumstick. Realize that diplomacy is for fools on Thanksgiving. Family members come wound-up and ready to tangle on all kinds of subjects. Make sure the butter knives are always duller than the conversation.
• Know when to lie. It’s called Thanksgiving, not Honesty-giving. Like when your aunt wants to know if you would like to see her 3,200 pictures from a recent trip to Duluth. At moments like these, it is OK to offer little white lies like: “Oh my gosh! I would love to, but I hear the stuffing percolating.”
• Have a good PR plan for when crisis develops. This is one of the most important Thanksgiving survival tips. Unfortunately, it’s also the least followed. But you need to be prepared to address a potential public relations nightmare. (Remember: Aunt Dorothy is on Facebook. She doesn’t know what Facebook is, or how to use it, but she has figured out how to post embarrassing things on your wall!) What’s a potential PR crisis? How about a half-raw turkey delivered to the table. A well-rehearsed plan — “Nah, that’s not raw. It’s just a little cranberry sauce that dripped on it. I cooked that bird for two days!” — can stave off media disaster (if not trips to the ER for salmonella and botulism poisoning.)
• Know your diffusers. A diffuser is a family member who you can turn to when the conversation gets heated and you sense an impending argument over the handling of Syrian refugees or whether the China pattern is too provincial. A diffuser has the natural ability to step in at just the right moment and say something incredibly absurd — “Hey! Did you all know I have a bunion shaped like Abraham Lincoln!?!” — that renders all hostility completely inert. Identify your diffusers early, and remember to have cash on hand to tip them.
• Remember to give thanks for family. Even though they are insane, and some are potentially dangerous, they are your family and you love them all the same. Be grateful for them. (Unless, of course, someone makes a fuss about the raw turkey. Then just hold on and try not to wet yourself.)