Every Memorial Day Weekend two things happen: I remember those who served and sacrificed for our country. It’s the meaning of the holiday. But then I inevitably traipse off to the beach with family in tow and am reminded of what it means to be a Floridian as summer sets in.
It’s the weekend when we Floridians emerge from our cocoons and rediscover a world filled with sun, sand, waves and incredible tans that make us look like coconut-scented gods.
And it’s all thanks to the time-honored tricks of the trade we’ve learned from living in a tropical paradise. As I sat on the beach this past weekend, I pondered the rules we know as residents of this sun-drenched state.
• Rule #1 – Ice cream always dies a tragic death at the beach. On average, it only takes 3 seconds to wilt a Rocket Pop. Which is why the only time to eat it is at 9:30 in the morning. That’s what the smart Floridians do. It’s the only way to protect your expensive investment. “Dad, can I have an ice cream?” my daughter asked. “It’s 10 a.m.!” I replied. “Why’d you wait so long? You shouldn’t have wasted time brushing your teeth this morning.”
• Rule #2 – You can save money on sunscreen by standing down wind from an out-of-state family fumbling and struggling to apply the aerosol spray to their squirming kids. Just slowly rotate as the cloud of wasted sunscreen wafts by and you will end up with more protection than they will.
• Rule #3 – You always wear two bottoms in the water. Because everyone knows a big wave will take the first pair right off. Nobody wants to be left mooning the world and frantically searching for an article of clothing while screaming, “A shark ate my shorts! A shark ate my shorts!!” Floridians will just chuckle and say, “Amateurs!”
• Rule #4 – Plastic shovels for beach digging and castle building are for neophytes. A Floridian brings a backhoe.
• Rule #5 – The rule of water. Yes, on scorching hot days it is important to drink lots of fluids to stay hydrated and ward off hallucinations that make you think the guy sunbathing next to you is a giant hairy beach squirrel. But on the flipside, Floridians know that drinking water also means excruciatingly long treks to the bathroom. We’ll take dehydration and beach squirrels over that any day.
• Rule #6 – It is essential — nay, CRITICAL — to get to the beach early to find parking and beat the rush. Your family will know this, and they will agree to it. They just won’t be able to meet their end of the bargain. A true Floridian will be OK with this. Because he will recognize it’s 9:30 and TIME FOR ICE CREAM!