The actual recorded transcript as I called the cable company, desperately trying to learn more about bundling my services, saving money and watching the Tour de France guilt-free:
Rep: Good afternoon. This is so-and-so cable company. How can I help you today?
Me: Yes, thank you. I’m calling because I like money and want to save some with these great deals and services I’ve been reading about. Can you help me with that?
Rep: Most definitely, sir. Let me run through some of the many choices we are currently offering. Let’s see … we have a DVR special that comes with two toppings and a side of marinara … hold on. Wrong special. OK, here we go. Our top package comes with 800 channels, 792 of which you will never watch, plus a DVR that can record 87 shows simultaneously. But don’t worry: You don’t have to watch any of those, either.
Me: OK … um … what else does it come with?
Rep: Let’s see. It says here you are eligible for our new Super Extreme WIFI modem. What makes it “super” and “extreme,” you ask? The fact that we named it that. Plus, it is so powerful, you can communicate with the probe Juno, currently orbiting Jupiter.
Me: Wow! Really? I can?
Rep: Yes, definitely … provided NASA gives you the password. But they don’t just give those out to any old yahoo. Say you DID have that password, though … HOOOEEY, the pictures you would see!
Me: Oh …
Rep: But wait, there’s more: We have a remote control you can talk to.
Me: That you can talk to? Why would I want to do that?
Rep: I don’t know, maybe you’re lonely. Maybe you have a really tough time making friends. Maybe you want to ask it what that “square root” thing is all about.
Me: I’m actually OK. Anything else?
Rep: Yes, definitely! I forgot to mention that our new DVR actually makes the air taste better in your house. Just like cherries!
Me: But the oxygen in my house tastes fine.
Rep: It does? Well, lucky you. My air tastes like something a pig coughed up.
Me: I’m good. Listen, I really just want to save money. And also, I don’t want my family groaning and making fun of me when I watch Tour de France all the time.
Rep: Well, why didn’t you say so! This is your lucky day. We’re currently running a special on our new WIFI service that beams telepathic waves to your family, convincing them that your ideas are not the stupidest thing since our DVR that makes the air taste like cherries.
Me: REALLY!!! That’s exactly what I’m looking for! OK, sign me up, and send me that two-topping special with the side of marinara while you’re at it.