My news feeds having been doing a number on me recently. News feeds. You know, those apps on your phone or news aggregating Web sites that look at your past reading habits and then throw out a bunch of stories in hopes you’ll say, “Yes! I’ve always wondered why my dog follows me into the bathroom … I’ll read that!”
Most of the time these algorithm-based timesavers have me pegged. Offering up the right amount of politics, soccer, the latest news from Star Wars and really strange stories with headlines like, “Viral ‘Goat Monster’ is Actually a Real Goat Breed.” Wo! That’s better than, “Bitcoin saved my marriage, but got me broke.”
But lately, my feeds have taken a turn for, “Say what now?” They have me wondering. Questioning. Worrying. What in the wide world is going on!?!
Like how I keep getting stories — sometimes 6-7 a day — that are a variation of this: “Seven top superfoods to lose stubborn belly fat.”
Um … ok. Why exactly, dear algorithm, do you think I need to read so many of these stories? Because the “lose belly fat” topic is either incredibly trendy right now, or my digital devices are trying to tell me something!
First off, can belly fat really be “stubborn?” Like it’s holding on for dear life and screaming, “No! You’ll never take me! I have my rights!” Stubbornness … not the fact that you eat too many cookies after drinking bacon fat cocktails.
But what are these news sites implying? Maybe they’re watching me? Judging me? We’re all worried that Siri and Alexa are listening. What if Google is peering at me through my computer? I just read a story that Google always tracks us on our phones, no matter what we do to turn it off. Maybe some bit of computer code is also sizing me up and determining I am not at my optimal size. You were just supposed to search for Star Wars news, not take my body mass index!
Just in case, I’ve started sitting up at the computer and sucking in my belly to throw it off. Sometimes I do a few fake crunches before I sit down or yell into the other room, “What’s that? Why yes, I did just weigh myself. Lost one more pound. Cardio-kickboxing sure is paying off!”
Cardio-kickboxing!?! I’ve never kicked a box for cardio in my life!
Other stories have started coming up. “Best body-weight exercises … to lose stubborn belly fat.” Even, and I kid you not: “The One Tea You Should Have With Breakfast If You Want To Get Rid Of Belly Fat.”
TEA?!? The story has a line that reads: “Searching for the perfect tea to boost your metabolism before that plate of eggs? This is the one tea you should have before breakfast if you want to get rid of belly fat.” Or … maybe you just skip the butter-drowned eggs!
But I’m getting a complex. I’m expecting any minute to see a headline like this: “Couples counseling for you and your belly fat” or maybe “Bitcoin investing to cut down on stubborn belly fat.” Nothing on cutting out bacon fat cocktails or doing actual crunches. So, maybe Google isn’t watching after all.