Oh … right! So, that’s why you’re not supposed to get back into running in August … in Florida … when you can melt tar on your forehead.
Yeah. Oh yeah … it’s hot!
I spent all summer getting out of shape, so why not pick this perfect, balmy month to start getting back into it? It’s beautiful outside. The trees are bursting into flames. The oxygen molecules boil as you inhale them. Your shoes stick to the pavement if you stand too long in one place. And all around you, people can be heard saying: “That poor moron is gonna’ die. Look away from the running dead man!”
Welcome to August.
It occurred to me on one of these runs that we true Floridians – not exactly God’s gift to the IQ farm – never quite remember just how bad August gets. Because we’re Floridians! We like to shrug it off and say things like, “Heat? Ha! I spoon it on my cereal and eat it for … wait … which meal is that?”
We revel in the heat. We excel in the heat. We wear it like a badge of honor.
And then we get to August, remember how miserable it is and wonder why we chose to live in THIS state when people in other parts of the world are wearing light sweaters and saying things like, “Buffy, darling, can you throw another log on the fire before the guests come over for crudités? We don’t want them to catch chill.”
Man, I wanna’ “catch chill” and eat August crudités!
I always have to remind myself that it’s not just “hot.” It’s AUGUST hot! And there are a few things even us cooked-like-boiled-crab Floridians need to be reminded not to do this time of year. You know, as the chili-pepper heat of summer comes upon us. Dangerous things like:
• Don’t walk your dog after 9 a.m. You ever wonder what your dog was thinking when she chewed up your favorite slippers? I’ll tell you: “DON’T WALK ME AFTER 9 A.M. IN AUGUST!!! I’m gonna’ maul your remote control next.”
• In fact, just don’t walk the dog. I mean, have you ever seen a dog who actually WANTS to go outside in August? They’re like, “Listen, man, just teach me how to use the toilet like the dog on the Internet. My toenails melted last time.” If your dog doesn’t want to go, don’t force the issue.
• Don’t grill. Summer always seems like the ideal time to take back your backyard, standing out there with some grill utensils like a proud explorer who just discovered Albuquerque. But remember this: Albuquerque is hot. REALLY hot. And the guy who discovered it died 10 minutes later from heat exhaustion … because it was after 9 a.m. Plus, standing next to a 500-degree grill when it’s already 500 degrees out is not only a waste of propane, but also bad for your pores. They melt! A better solution: Throw a couple of seasoned chicken breasts on the hood of your car and they’ll be ready in 15 minutes.
• Don’t try to weed the yard. If you’re lucky, you will regain consciousness in time to notice that your child is digging a hole beside you after determining it’s too hot to drag you inside and much easier just to bury you next to the milkweed.
• Don’t plan major outside projects of any sort. I always do. Fence repair. Some rotten wood on the hot water heater shed. Cleaning the windows and porch. Taking the garbage out. But I’m out there for 5 minutes and so much sweat evaporates off of me that it spawns a thunderstorm. And I’m deathly afraid of lightning. So, delay to the fall so you don’t get struck by lightning.
• Don’t think, “Boy, wouldn’t it be nice to finally open the windows and let a little fresh air in.” Don’t do it! This is what weather experts refer to as “heat tsunami.” Emergency responders find these poor people pressed up against a back door begging for popsicles and some help turning the AC back on. • If you hear anyone, anywhere, at any time say something along the lines of, “Come on, man! What are you complaining about? It’s just a little heat. It’s August! We’re Floridians. We live for this kind of stuff! Woohoo!” get away from them. Get away from them QUICK! They will either burst into the flames like the rest of Florida’s beautiful trees, or they’ll be attacked by their dog, who will be screaming, “Why would you take me for a walk after 9 a.m.?!? You know my toenails are prone to melting!”