Hey Internet, stop freaking me out! You think that’s cool? It’s not cool. It’s freakin’ … me … out.
All kinds of things. Everything you do and say has me worried. You keep publishing stuff. Stuff that is supposed to be helpful. Stuff that is supposed to give guidance and support. Stuff that is supposed to be advice.
But it’s all scary as heck! All of it.
Investing and financial planning advice. Health advice. Hygiene advice and even the weather. Yeah, the weather. Like how if your zip code drinks too much beer, it’s more likely to attract hurricanes. (OK, I made that one up. But I bet you there’s someone out there who thinks that’s true. And they’ve written a story about it and posted it on the Internet. I’m going to read it and I’m going to FREAK OUT!!!)
I don’t know why, but the financial advice is scaring me the most. Maybe it’s because I’m getting up there in years, but I see a lot more of it now. It’s all terrifying. “Three big 401(k) mistakes you’ll regret in retirement.” “Everyone’s going to be a millionaire … but you.” “Why you should give up now because your future is doomed!” “You could have bought cryptocurrency, but you got tacos instead.”
I can’t even sleep at night.
Where are all the articles about how to retire so filthy rich that you just sit around your pool all day drinking piña coladas and saying things like, “Pool boy, throw another roll of $100s on the fire”?
Instead, it’s all about how we’re going to BE that pool boy until we’re 87. All because our savings is so anemic, and we really like tacos. Man, I wanted those piña coladas!
On the health and fitness front it’s no better. This was the actual headline on a story I saw from Sciencefocus.com: “Yes, your brain is eating itself all the time. Here’s why.”
Did I read it to learn more? Of course not! The headline was horror-movie scary enough. My brain is a cannibal and it’s coming for me. That’s all I needed to know. (Full disclosure: I did kind of suspect it all along.)
Or I’ll find articles about how my running, or lack of stretching before running, is going to cause my body to quite suddenly break in half with an ear-shattering snap.
Stories about rare deadly gut parasites, or South American intestinal worms, which eat the gut parasites and then start building condos in your belly. I’ve convinced myself I have them. Never mind that there is almost no way they could have gotten a Visa and made the connecting flights with the way the airports have been recently.
I saw an article about a doctor … I’m even uncomfortable typing this … who says you shouldn’t pluck … OK, give me a moment … NOSE HAIRS!!! Because … and I’m not even certain here because I totally blacked out when I read the first paragraph … something about an infection that could go to your BRAIN!!! This even has my condo-building belly worms freaked out.
And you don’t even know what to trust anymore. How to separate out the real from the speculation from the all-out slop. Because, as my column is proving right now, any imbecile can broadcast to the world all kinds of mis-interpreted, over-blown, half-truth theories, conspiracies and exaggerations. Anyone can get on TikTok and start a pandemonium by telling people not to brush their teeth because you could accidentally swallow your toothbrush and choke. So, start gargling with rocks instead! (Disclaimer: All made up … DO NOT GARGLE WITH ROCKS!!!)
Maybe it’s time to simmer down. To take more things with a grain of salt. Do what I was taught to do as a journalist: Not over-react, fact check, verify sources, make sure it passes the smell test. As the old saying goes: If your mama tells you she loves you, check it out! And never take advice from someone who gargles rocks on TikTok.
Maybe I just need to stop worrying so much. Stop reading the Internet, and putting all of my stock (and faith) into everything I find. Recognize that I (probably) don’t have a South American intestinal worm inside me, and that since I don’t like piña coladas anyway, what does it matter if I’m serving or drinking them. Besides, my brain will have eaten itself long before that comes to pass.