Happy new year to you all! I hope 2021 ended brightly, and that 2022 will be a beacon of hope, health and whatever the old year wasn’t. Plus, you win the lottery.
If you’re like me, you’re still trying to get a fix on what to expect in the new year. Maybe you were struggling with what kind of resolutions to make. I know I was. In fact, I found myself pondering what that old tradition even means. I went so far as to look up the word “resolve,” and the
Merriam-Webster dictionary defined it this way: “to make a definite and serious decision to do something.”
And then I finally understood why resolutions don’t work: Anyone can “make” a definite and serious decision – I resolve to invent faster-than-light space travel! – but who has the drive to actually follow through?
So, this year I decided to skip resolutions in favor of project management-approved goals that will come with action plans and data-driven results. It’s not too late for you to follow my lead, so I thought I would share with you my “Goals for 2022”:
• Wear more Adventure Pants – They’re not really called that. It’s a name my brother has given to this brand of utility dungarees that have cool pockets, stretchable fabric and the durability of petrified wood. His have gone one step further into the “adventure” category with holes burned in from campfires and poison ivy growing out of a pocket. They’re ridiculously comfortable, and call you to venture out into the wilds, replace the suspension on your vehicle or just sit down at your desk and write a really great action plan for wearing more Adventure Pants.
• Curse less. And as a follow-up, listen more. I’ve noticed I curse a lot, and I’ve noticed this because my wife mentions it to me all the time. Sometimes by cursing. She says it’s starting to curl my teeth, and that I might need braces. Even worse, she says it has caused my daughter to start cursing, and that when the two of us talk, it sounds like a drunken pirate den inhabited by a sad man in “Adventure Pants” with a poor and un-creative grasp of the English language. As an English major, this cut to the bone. So I’m going to try tone down my language, and as a bonus, try to hear other people more. Unless it’s #$%@&# stupid! I have no time for stupid people.
• Worry less about money. Or just make more of it. I have no idea how to do this, so please send me fully worked-out action plans if you have them.
• Worry less in general. I find that I’m one of those people who worries about everything. And I mean everything. Once I spent three days concerned that a splinter was actually a miniature cobra bite. I’ve read up a lot about ways to control this, and a lot of people recommend meditation. So, I’m thinking that might be the way to go for me. I really do like the idea. Taking the time to clear my mind and find some inner peace while just sitting still and being calm. That seems like the ideal opportunity to really think about some things weighing heavily on me and properly fret about them.
• Learn French. Or at least how to order pizza in French. Because I would really like to go to France. But, as the item above mentions, I worry a lot and I’m terrified I’m going to starve to death because I can’t order food. I worry that the French people will think I am a ridiculous and rude American for not at least attempting their language, so I am determined to be able to say a few rudimentary things. Only problem is, I stumble when ordering pizza here in the U.S. using my own language, so I don’t know how I have any hope in Paris. Maybe I could just eat energy bars the whole time.
• Figure out how to hack into my mother’s computer so I can fix it from my house. That way when she calls to ask why the search box in the toolbar of her Web browser went away, I don’t have to spend 30 minutes yelling into the phone: “JUST CLICK ON ‘SETTINGS!’ SET-TINGS!!! YOU KNOW, THE LITTLE BUTTON IN THE TOP RIGHT CORNER THAT SAYS, ‘SETTINGS!!!!’”
• Be more patient. Yeah, not sure what made me think of that one. Could be for occasions when my wife is trying to find a show on Netflix and I start screaming: “IT’S RIGHT THERE!!! YOU KNOW, RIGHT THERE!!!”
• Eat some lentils. I have no idea what lentils are, or why they’re good for you. But lots of articles I’ve read say I should, and that it’s a “super food.” Maybe they help you focus or listen more. Give you the strength to hold those curses in or be more patient. It sure would be easier if a little member of the legume family could do that. That way I don’t have to waste so much time on all of these stupid #$%@&# action plans. I think I’m switching back to resolutions next year. Much easier to make and then forget like normal people do.