While I stood in line for a COVID test last week – believe it or not, the first I’ve had to get this entire pandemic! – I had plenty of time to ponder a few of life’s greatest and most perplexing questions like: Would the tech go in too far and scrape my brain? Why do some people like boiled ham better than baked? Maybe most importantly, what should I make of all the 2022 trends that experts and aficionados keep predicting?
And you say, “Boy, he doesn’t look like a guy who would follow trends.” But au contraire. I’m an extremely trendy guy. I keep my clothes so long that they always come back into style thanks to some future trend. (Well, not my 1980s parachute pants, but I’m holding out hope.) Anyway, the older I get, the more I struggle to understand new trends. And maybe because of the pandemic and the world seeming so unsettled, 2022 is a real hodge-podge of strange trends. So, let’s take a look at some of the new ones we’re all going to be experiencing this year and try to make some sense of them all:
• On the fashion front, relaxed, slouching waistlines on clothing are going to keep getting lower in 2022. So low, in fact, that soon we’ll just call our clothes socks. Also … parachute pants! (Going to keep trying.)
• The food industry has been on the brink of major breakthroughs when it comes to meat-substitute products. You can find 3-D printed vegetarian steaks and plant-based chicken that actually has the fibrous feel and taste of the real thing. (I think they are even working on a plant-based version of salmonella for authenticity.) This all means millions more Americans will dive into the substitute meat market this year. I’m hopeful it also prompts the scientific food geeks to finally figure out how to create a tasty and edible plant-based substitute for Brussels sprouts.
• In technology, security robots are supposed to become all the rage as they begin patrolling our homes and reporting on what the dog was doing while robbers cleaned out our entire house. The robot vacuum craze is supposed to give way to this new generation of home security robots, which can also be used to ensure your vacuum is actually doing its job rather than taking a smoke break on the couch while watching “The View” with your dog.
• Virtual reality headsets are also supposed to finally take off this year. Now, I know that people have been claiming these immersive digital gaming and entertainment goggles would become huge ever since 1887 (when they were known by their brand name: “paper bag with a picture inside.”) But 2022 is supposed to be for real. It’s supposedly because the technology has come so far that it can finally realistically replicate reality. But I think the problem with this is that after the pandemic and everything else going on, we’re sick of reality! We don’t want any more of it. We’re over it! We’re exhausted, mentally drained and the thought of having to live a second life in another “virtual” or meta world when we barely have the strength to do the dishes has less appeal than sticking your finger in a light socket. (Which actually does have some appeal, because then maybe we could all get a 30- or 40-minute nap.) Instead of a more realistic virtual world, I think we would all rather just stare at a printed picture in a paper bag.
• On the personal finance front, the big trend for 2022 is that people will continue to believe that a new LED television is a better investment over the long-term than the stock market. Plus, Sunday NFL football looks shaper and more colorful!
• For the home: I’ve been told that the crisp, minimalist look of all-white walls, furniture and other aspects of your house will go out of fashion this year. Turns out that everyone who followed this trend realized in the first 15 minutes that we’re extremely dirty people who hate to clean, and that our animals are wretched mongrels who shed relentlessly and always have muddy feet. Which is why in the world of interior design, 2022 is going to be the year of painting everything dust-bunny gray with accents of splattered tomato sauce and dog footprints. The downside is it might just totally wipe out the entire housecleaning industry with a single coat of paint.
• Health and well-being is top of everyone’s mind, and feeling better is going to be a trend. It’s not just the pandemic that has us thinking about health and getting into shape, whether it’s physically, mentally or even spiritually. We just finally realize it’s time to take action and really get on those self-improvements we know will make our lives better. And we’ll do that, we promise. But first we all want to hook our new virtual reality headsets up so we can watch our security robots watch our filthy dogs who have hopped up onto the all-white sofa.