Here’s my problem with presidential debates: I can’t help but sit there and think that the hard questions aren’t being asked. The tough questions. The questions we neck-deep-in-it Americans have on our minds. No, instead it’s the same old hum-drum questions that give us no better understanding of two candidates we have to choose between.
So after watching the second presidential debate, and with the third one coming up, I thought I would share a few questions I would love to see the candidates answer. Here they are:
• We hear what you have to say about energy independence, tax cuts and health care. But, gentleman, the middle class is being crushed by a new scourge that Washington is just not tackling: email. What would each of you do to help average Americans drowning in SPAM, unwanted junk and jokes from family and friends who obviously need hobbies? I just cleared out my personal email inbox the other day and no sooner do I turn around … there’s 13,000 new ones. And what were most of them? Emails like this from my dad: “Heard about this?! Zombie infested 5K obstacle course.” What the hell is that, dad?!? Gentleman, if you’re going to get this country back to work, you have to recognize people can’t get jobs if they’re too busy hitting delete.
• If you could be a Halloween candy, what kind would you be?
• Much has been said about giving tax cuts to the wealthy or the middle class. But here’s what I would like to know: Would you be willing to give a tax cut to people who come up with really cool inventions? Like a toothpaste tube that will send you a text when it’s empty and needs replacing. These are the problems real Americans are dealing with everyday. We squeeze and we roll it up and we try stomping up and down on it. But it’s no use. You can’t get anymore out. It got so bad last week that I had to brush my teeth with shampoo. Shampoo, sirs! Most of us don’t keep notepads in our bathrooms. Why would we? So what are we going to write that reminder on? We forget when we’re at the store. We’re thinking about cookies and why there are so many kinds of cheese. Who is going to remind us we need toothpaste? But a texting toothpaste tube, now that’s an idea millions of Americans can get behind. Are you going to support those entrepreneurs who can bring these ideas to market?
• Can you explain to the American people right now, in plain English, without dancing around the answer, why it’s called India Pale Ale? Is it beer or is it ale? I don’t get it. What’s the difference? And is it from India? And does that make me un-American if I drink it? Because I really like it!
• Your wives strike us as remarkably down-to-earth, passionate, smart, likable, focused, organized and caring people. If elected, would you be willing to get out of the way and let them run the country? We get the feeling they would do a better job.
• There is a lot of frustration out there about standardized testing in schools. Would you both be willing to take a fourth-grade standardized test and let whomever wins assume the presidency? And if you both fail, can we just totally do away with them?
• When you’re asked a question in a townhall debate that you don’t want to answer, will you at least agree to respond this way: “That is a great question about taxes, and I’m so glad you asked it. But I’m not here to answer your questions. You’re obviously not smart enough to realize that this is a better one …” before blathering on about whatever YOU want to talk about?
• Will you both pledge to stop calling us the “middle class?” It just makes us sound so … mediocre! We’re not middle class. We’re top class, dangit! Can you please start referring to us as, “them daggone awesome peeps who are good-lookin’ and keep the economy humming?”
I think these are good questions. Honest questions. Tough questions. And as a tax-paying, hardworking middle class American (who I must say is darn good-lookin’ and keeping the economy humming), I deserve answers. Feel free to send me your responses … by email … once I get the inbox cleared out again.