I’ve always been a last-minute gift shopper. The kind of person who goes down to the wire. Like the dawn of Christmas is cracking over the horizon and I’m out in the shed trying to build my own 4K flatscreen TV because I waited too long to order it.
“The picture’s a little fuzzy, but that’s just WIFI issues,” I tell my family as I hang a piece of hastily cut and crudely painted plywood on the living room wall. “Just wait and you’ll see the colors pop!”
But this year, I’m taking no chances. I’m heeding the advice of experts, analysts and retailers who say that you can’t wait to do your shopping. A host of supply-chain and shipping issues combined with parts shortages and climbing prices have managed to make things we want more scarce, and more expensive.
Shoot, even if you’re giving the latest in high-tech toiler paper, you might be … well … something out-of-luck.
So, I’m pre-empting my procrastination and getting on the ball. I’m buying everything I can right away. Asking for ideas early, and placing orders left and right. Box-after-box of gifts are thrown over my fence. I have a cardboard fort of delivery items stacked up in my front room. I have no idea what most of them are. My keyboard keys and mouse were flying so fast, and I was just buying at random. Anything that popped up on my screen.
And I fear I’ve taken it too far.
On Thanksgiving, I was perusing Black Friday sales on Amazon when I came across a rotary cutout saw. “These look handy,” I said to my dad. “And they’re marked down like 40%. What do you think?”
“Those are great,” he said. “I’ve always wanted one, but never enough to actually drop the money on it.”
“Really?” I said, and … CLICK!!!
“Done. Merry Christmas! Now I can cross you off my list. Got myself one, too. Now round up the rest of the family, send them to me in a single-file line, and let’s see who else we can knock out with these prices.”
It was at that point that I also graduated from buying for other family members and started buying for me, too.
I couldn’t help it! The deals over the Thanksgiving weekend were too good. It had only started as research. This thing I might need to replace. That thing to see if it was worth it. Next thing I knew, I was barraged by bargain basement prices and purchasing all of MY gifts.
“Great news,” I told my wife. “Your Christmas shopping problems are over. I just bought you all of my Christmas presents! How about that?”
“Hold on a second: YOU bought ME all of YOUR presents?!?” she said.
YEAH! What was she not getting? I mean, this is simple Christmas math.
I explained my whole scheme. What I had been up to. How I had purchased a whole bunch of things for myself – even paid for them! – so she wouldn’t have to worry about it.
“It’s really easy this way,” I told her. “For instance, I say, ‘How about you get this book for me for Christmas – which, mind you, I already bought and am planning to read as soon as it arrives in the mail’ – and then you say, ‘Merry Christmas!’ Great, huh?”
“But …,” and she had to pause to choose her words carefully. “You’re just buying stuff for yourself and saying it’s from me. That’s not right! There’s no joy or love in it. There’s no thought behind it, or the giving spirit of Christmas.”
“Of course, there is,” I told her. “I’ve actually thought a lot about it, and decided I want all of this stuff. Plus, because I’m giving YOU something to give to ME, it’s actually twice the spirit of Christmas. See?”
I finally realized I had gone too far when I told her I had found a pair of slippers that she could get me, and I would even buy them if she wanted.
“AHHHHH!” she growled. “You know, you’re going to have zero surprises for Christmas this year. Zero!”
“But I’m outsmarting supply lines,” I said. “I’m beating retail at its own game. I am re-writing the rules of holiday shopping. With just a couple clicks of the keyboard, the whole world may never be the same.”
“You are not easy to shop for as it is, Brian Thompson,” she said. “You’re already the type of person who buys themselves whatever they need all year and no one has anything left to give you. Now, you’ve taken it a step further and started getting your own presents?!? You’ve taken the joy out of giving and made it a commercial spending spree. That’s it! New rule: No one buys themselves anything from October through December anymore.”
I then knew I had blown it. I saw the error in my ways.
In my zeal to find deals and snag things early – to even make things easier on everyone else – I had trod all over Christmas. I had become the thing I hate: A thoughtless consumer zombie. I got caught up in the buying and the dealing, and not the spirit of giving.
I was pretty ashamed, to be honest with you. (Not enough to send it all back – I mean, I DO want that rotary saw! – but I did feel pretty bad.)
So, I’m slowing down now. Turns out there was more thought and love in that plywood flatscreen TV I built than in all the frantic clicks on a keyboard. Sure, the colors weren’t as good as the real thing, but it actually captured the spirit of the actual thoughtfulness and caring. Not to mention, it beat all the shipping issues and even came at a great price.