Just a week or so ago I shared tips on training for a race. A race that was coming up. Only, now it’s in the past. The Jacksonville River Run. A 15K. I have no idea what a K is, but the race was 9.3 miles long. It had a big, hulking bridge on the ninth mile. Gusty winds blew over the top, threatening to throw skinny little runners like me off the side. Yet, somehow I dropped 46 seconds off last year.
I finished 273rd (or 237th if you’re dyslexic like me.) That’s out of more than 16,000 runners. Not bad for a skinny boy who almost went over the bridge.I feel pretty good about it. Especially considering a couple years back I suffered a surfing injury that almost ended my running career. I’m not elite or super fast, but pretty proud of where I am. So I’m back to offer some new running advice. It’s my philosophy of running, along with how I survive a race with lots of Ks in it:
Give yourself realistic goals — For instance, not dying is a realistic goal. Think of how good you’ll feel if you achieve that. Not losing to small children is another goal. As is not falling in manholes. Not stopping for donuts or bloody mary’s along the way … that’s a tougher one, but still doable. Give yourself something to shoot for and you’ll be much better off.
Envision something big — Some people picture the finish line as they run. They spend the entire 9.3 miles thinking about what it will feel like to cross that line. From personal experience, it isn’t all that great. Not even with the giant TV screen showing the finishers. (You can pretend to pick your nose, and that’s fun.) But I don’t envision the finish line. It’s a fleeting moment. I usually spend it trying not to throw up in front of a huge crowd of people. Instead, I picture myself at the beer tent before the crush of runners gets there. I tell myself if I run fast the beer will still be cold. And whenever someone passes me I scold myself: “Dude, that’s one more guy dripping sweat in OUR beer!”
Relish the pain — By which I mean carry a little packet of relish. When everything starts to hurt, eat it. Relish is horrible. Eating it will take your mind off all that ails you.
Never try to do complex calculations while running — Some people can do this. I can’t. It’s a great way to introduce a traffic barrier to your groin. I’ve heard it happen before. I’ve almost done it myself trying to figure out my pace. Let it be known that math cannot be done when you’re tired, slightly dehydrated and over-exerting yourself. You always think you can. You glance at your watch and figure you can go all super computer on it. Or you give up on goal No. 1 (not dying) and try to calculate how much extra life insurance you should have bought. BAM! Next thing you know you’re on the ground untangling your shorts from an orange and white barricade, and people are applying Bactine to parts of your body your wife hasn’t even seen.
Stretching is for losers — Have you ever seen a cheetah stretch before going after a gazelle? Of course not. Just run, and if any muscles pop loose, tuck them back in like you would a shirt.
Always laugh — This is the key to anything. To everything! Just when it gets toughest. Just when it occurs to you how idiotic the whole endeavor is.
Just when your confidence starts sagging like collard greens and you lose all hope, shrug it off and have a good laugh. A real deep-down-in-the-pit-of-your-belly laugh.I guarantee it gets easier then. That you’ll keep on running to the finish line. That your confidence will return and you’ll stop worrying about dying. Most of all, you’ll freak out a whole lot of runners who will give you room and let you pass. All those people you’ll beat to the beer tent. And really, isn’t that what it’s all about?