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2021 Nutshells, Animals, Family

What a porch cat can teach you about appreciating life

November 17, 2021 No Comments

It’s a bit emptier in the house. Losing a pet is like that. Even a pet you didn’t mean to have. Especially those. Like the old man porch cat named Sunburst who had trickled into our lives. Eventually, he also trickled off our front porch and onto the wicker Ottoman we kept in the dining room. There he would curl up like a loaf of bread, watching all the craziness around him.

Our house is always crazy. A hive of activity. Like rush hour at Grand Central. Running. Screaming. Unintelligible PA announcements about boarding trains or getting ready for school. A flurry. An unending bustle. A panic and a whirlwind.

This cat was fascinated by it. He watched it all – these fish in their bowl. Going about their multi-tasking and manic lives. “Don’t they see there’s a perfectly warm Ottoman here?” he seemed to say. “Why don’t they just kick back with me?”

That was the look on his little critter face: Content. Grateful. Always at peace.

Lucky bugger, right up to the end.

2021 Nutshells, Family, Florida, Travel

An uncharted, never-ending Florida adventure with Uncle Scott

November 14, 2021 No Comments

The text message thread is the modern-day equivalent of a ship’s log – a break-down of everything that happens as you record information, offer updates and make cries for help. It can capture moments in time, like when your dad comes up and your brother plots an elaborate, meandering adventure to see a number of “historical” outdoor sights … the same weekend a Nor’easter roars in with King Tides and the lowest temperatures of the year. Outdoors? Yeah, makes sense! And off you troop, against common sense, with his 8-year-old son and your 15-year-old daughter. Your wife is back at base camp getting regular reports … and wondering when she should send out the search party. Here is a word-for-word transcript of that ill-fated adventure:

Me: We have made it to Flagler Beach. Crossed flooding, traveled through heavy winds and rain, and almost lost a man to a gas station donut that must have been 3 months old. We’re now looking at crashing waves on the beach. Not sure what our plan is. We may go to Ponce Inlet Lighthouse and then see some Native American shell mounds.

Nancy: WHAT?!!! I thought you were going to a museum because the weather was so bad and it was inside?

Me: Yes. My brother, it turns out, is a raging liar. That was his ploy to get us out in the middle of a Nor’easter. He should probably run a con-man shell game. He would make gobs of money. I may have to go. His son’s jacket puffed up in the wind and he’s being blown over the dunes like a kite.

2021 Nutshells, Coronavirus, Health, Marriage

The COVID booster says, ‘listen to your wife’

November 5, 2021 No Comments

When will I learn to listen? Not only recognize when wisdom presents itself to me, but also to learn from it. Act upon it.

And when my wife tells me something, just dang-well do it!

Example A: My recent COVID booster shot. It wasn’t getting the shot that was the issue. That was no problem, and I did it of my own free will. When I learned that anyone who had received Johnson and Johnson’s vaccine more than 2 months ago was eligible not only for a booster, but could now mix-and-match with the shot of their choosing, I did some research, settled on Moderna and went off to get my
jab.

Pat on the back. Nicely done. I’m all done …

Except for the advice given: “OK, now remember, you don’t know how your immune system will react afterward,” my wife said. “So, you need to drink lots of fluids, rest and take it easy.”

2021 Nutshells, Florida, Weather

Hurricane season dares us to take a breath

October 27, 2021 No Comments

Dare we breathe, fellow Floridians? Dare we tempt the fates and say it? No, don’t say it. Barely think it. Why bring on the meteorological jinx? All because we think we’ve dodged another hurricane season.

But it’s weird, isn’t it? It’s the end of October. There’s been nary a storm to threaten us all year, and we’re past the peak of the season. The tropics are quiet. There are no scary, swirling monsters spinning in the Atlantic or the Gulf. The weather is changing. Getting chillier. The tropical fuel tank is running low.

You still don’t want to tempt fate, though. Or let your guard down. Only fools act too early. Hurricane season runs through the end of November, after all.

And still, here I am starting to wonder if it’s time to ramp down some of my hurricane season “ramp-ups.” Some things like:

• Can I stop waking up early each morning and scanning the hurricane-geek Web sites? Running all the forecast models while my dog sits beside me with a look on her face that screams, “Feed me, weather nerd, or I’m hitting the kitty litter buffet-bar again!”

2021 Nutshells, Health, Parenthood and Children

Trying to be a better ‘meat’ eater

October 24, 2021 No Comments

“Hmm,” I said, the half-eaten meatball dangling from my fork. “It KIND of tastes like a meatball. Maybe one who is having an identity crisis. Or schizophrenic. Or maybe just mad at the world.”

“Yep,” my daughter agreed. She was probing her own meatball with her front teeth, nibbling off a little bit, like she wasn’t quite ready to fully commit. Or let her tongue touch it. “I would agree with that.”

“But the texture is not quite right. It’s kind of like … um … what is it? Oh, wet gym sock! That’s it.”

“Yep,” she replied. “I would agree with that.”

Nibble, nibble, nibble.

So went our first experiment with meat-less meatballs. The vegetarian – or maybe they were vegan? – meatballs. Balls of something that weren’t meat. Some kind of vegetable imposter trying to be meat. Compressed into a ball and told to impersonate Italian ground beef. Trick them. Get them to believe you are something else. Maybe give out a little “moo” once in a while.

Only, I wasn’t quite convinced.

2021 Nutshells, Family, Parenthood and Children

Experiencing all the joys of standardized testing

October 14, 2021 No Comments

And now for some REAL fun at the dinner table, it’s time for …

SAT Vocabulary Flash Cards!

Because you don’t know how to suck the marrow out of life until you sit down with the entire family for a nice, nutritious meal, and then proceed to show how little you grasp about the English language.

Now, that’s what you call living, kids.

It’s been all about gearing up for the PSAT the past couple of weeks in my house. The PSAT stands for “Preliminary Scholastic Aptitude Test.” It is a practice exam for high school sophomores like my daughter, and it has one simple objective: Scare the living daylights out of you so you go back and prepare for the real SAT. Because the SAT, as we all know, is the mother of all standardized tests – the T-Rex of its class. It is widely used for college admissions, and guaranteed to have fewer than two questions that are actually relevant in the real world. (Plus, you get to show your skill at filling in bubbles with a No. 2 pencil.)

2021 Nutshells, Running

Stumbling through those dark, scary early morning runs

October 10, 2021 No Comments

I have achieved my life’s long dream. No, that’s not exactly true. My life’s long dream is to hike mountains all day long. Or to invent hip extenders, so pants sit on my waist better. Or to not have permanently stuffed-up sinuses.

Yeah. I go big!

So, if not my dream, I have achieved one of my long-simmering goals. Aspirations. White whales. Something I have been trying to achieve since pretty much the fall of the Roman empire. Always to fail. Always to come up short. Always to lose interest and try to come up with that hip extender thing.

But I have finally done it. I have become … a morning runner.

Because for most of my life I’ve been an afternoon runner. One of those people who comes home from work tired and thinks the idea of going for a run is second only to having a tree sloth clip your ingrown toenails. It’s also the time of day when the fridge calls to you and says in a sing-song fashion, “You know, I’ve got cold beer.” And you think, “Who needs willpower, good health or to be in shape? My shape is awesome. I’m kind of bulge-ie and pear-shaped. Like a modernist painting of a sack of potatoes! LET’S DRINK BEER!!!”

2021 Nutshells, Houses, yards and projects

The life of a ‘historic’ house owner

September 30, 2021 No Comments

It was one of those booming laughs that surprises even yourself. The sheer volume of how loud it was. That it had come from so deep in my chest. I looked around to see if anyone had noticed.

The letter came from the city. It was very official looking. “Dear Property Owner,” it began. What got me was two lines in: “Out of more than 8,000 buildings in the city you are the owner of one of the 1,659 designated historic buildings.”

Ha!!!

That was it. That was the line. That it said – described my house! – as “historic.”

“Historic?!?” I thought. “Mine? Have you seen it? Have you lived in it? Have you understood the pain and heartbreak and trauma I have endured. For what? History!?! Again, good sirs and madams, I say, ‘HA!!!’”

2021 Nutshells, Coronavirus, Family, Parenthood and Children, Technology, Travel

A New York City getaway where the rats steal the show

September 20, 2021 No Comments

It was a heck of a knock to the ego. A trip to New York City full of Broadway shows and cultural attractions, shopping and good food, lots of lazy strolls through the most exciting city on the planet. But what makes one of the highlights for my 15-year-old daughter?

Semi-befriending a rat in Central Park.

What does that say about my planning? My inability to create the perfect fall getaway to Manhattan?

Or maybe it says something more about her big heart. Her inability to look down on any living creature.

It wasn’t one of those subway rats, it should be noted. More of a country rat. It wore overalls and could have passed for a squirrel if only it had a bushy tale. But it was a rat all the same, and you don’t drop this kind of cash to stare at vermin!

Either way, it’s part of what makes New York such a unique experience, no matter what you do or where you go.

There’s always some adventure to be had. Like when we saw a bunch of New Yorkers in the park frantically chasing a brightly-colored flying insect. One of them had pulled off a shoe and was screaming, “Quick! Kill it!”

2021 Nutshells, Florida, Weather

In the height of the hurricane season, doing some amateur meteorological … stuff?

September 13, 2021 No Comments

Tighten the chin strap on your helmet. Tug gently on your shoulder pads to make sure they’re good and snug. Growl, slowly and deeply. From down inside you. Like a bear. Or someone choking on a cough drop. Slide down into a three-point-stance. Make sure your feet have good traction. Dig in. Take a deep breath. Focus.

Then … pull up some hurricane forecast models and make yourself crazy!

It’s hurricane season, baby. Hut, hut, HUT!!!

We’re now in the height of hurricane season. My wife mentioned this the other day. How she read we are officially at the peak. That time of year when the Tropics become their most active, erratically launching wave after wave of spinning storms like a drunk in a shooting gallery.

And me? I spend my entire existence staring at animated forecast models and mumbling, “We’re doomed … and drowned … and all in between!”

Some might call it an addiction, but I like to think of it more as a hobby. I’ve always wanted a hobby. Especially one that ruins my blood pressure.