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2022 Nutshells, Coronavirus, Family, Health

A few things you learn when a family member gets COVID

January 30, 2022 No Comments

Oh man! We went almost two years without anyone in my house getting COVID – two years! – and then: BLAMMO! My wife got it.

The night before my daughter got back from her snowed-in ski trip, my wife was making sweet potato chili and asked the most peculiar thing: “Isn’t chili supposed to smell strong?”

Uh-oh!

Um, yeah. That’s why they call it chili. It’s spicy. Like curl-the-hair-on-your-head spicy. Clear-out-your-sinuses spicy. So … what you’re saying is … ?

She proceeded to run about the house trying to smell everything – alcohol, vinegar, harsh cleaning products, bourbon. All to no avail.

The next morning, we each took a COVID test. Remarkably – and someone would even say wildly unfair – the responsible, safe person in the house came back positive. The one who needs to be told not to eat things off the floor and to wash his hands regularly was negative.

Two years and BLAMMO!

2022 Nutshells, Childhood, Family, Florida, Parenthood and Children, Weather

A Florida kid who ‘got snow’ in North Carolina

January 20, 2022 No Comments

“Good morning. Got snow?” my text read.

I sent it to my 16-year-old daughter. She was knee-deep in a ski trip to North Carolina with a youth group from Memorial Presbyterian. They were hitting the slopes at Beech mountain and hunkered down in their cabins the night a winter storm named Izzy pounded the East Coast. It dumped white stuff all across the region, blanketing that corner of the world in snowdrifts and winter scenes that seem like a fairy tale when you’re from a place they call “the Sunshine State.”

Got snow?!? Oh yeah, they got snow.

The weather map in North Carolina showed precipitation levels in colors I had never seen before. In Florida, we gets greens and yellows, and when it’s really bad, reds. But this was a kind of baby blue mixed with some type of neon pink. “Does that mean radiation leak?” I wondered.

No, it means “butt buried in snow.”

Lots of snow. Where they measure accumulation in inches, or even feet. When the roads are impassible, and you open your cabin door to be met with the giggly white stuff just beckoning you to dive in and bathe in it.

A sea of it. As far as the eye could see. And because you’re a 16-year-old kid who doesn’t have to worry about how to get home or whether you’re going to have to eat frozen woodland critters to survive, it’s the most glorious thing ever.

Ah, so lucky. Got snow!

2022 Nutshells

Catching up on all the trends for 2022

January 15, 2022 No Comments

While I stood in line for a COVID test last week – believe it or not, the first I’ve had to get this entire pandemic! – I had plenty of time to ponder a few of life’s greatest and most perplexing questions like: Would the tech go in too far and scrape my brain? Why do some people like boiled ham better than baked? Maybe most importantly, what should I make of all the 2022 trends that experts and aficionados keep predicting?

And you say, “Boy, he doesn’t look like a guy who would follow trends.” But au contraire. I’m an extremely trendy guy. I keep my clothes so long that they always come back into style thanks to some future trend. (Well, not my 1980s parachute pants, but I’m holding out hope.) Anyway, the older I get, the more I struggle to understand new trends. And maybe because of the pandemic and the world seeming so unsettled, 2022 is a real hodge-podge of strange trends. So, let’s take a look at some of the new ones we’re all going to be experiencing this year and try to make some sense of them all:

• On the fashion front, relaxed, slouching waistlines on clothing are going to keep getting lower in 2022. So low, in fact, that soon we’ll just call our clothes socks. Also … parachute pants! (Going to keep trying.)

2022 Nutshells, Family, Florida, Holidays

Chaos and hunger at the holiday theme park

January 6, 2022 No Comments

There are several un-written laws of Florida: Never tickle an alligator on its snout. Only on its tail. When sunning yourself, always rotate mid-way through cooking and make sure to baste. Always wear your formal flip-flops to important dress-up events, especially black tie.

But maybe most importantly, and the only “law” that should never be bent, broken or even slightly tinkered with is one every Floridian knows from birth: Don’t go to a theme park the week after Christmas.

It’s not just a violation, but also great way to risk life and limb. Not to mention your wallet.

Which is why I found it astonishing – even mind-blowing – to be sitting in a line of cars backed-up for almost a mile as we waited to get into the parking lot of Orlando’s Sea World … three days after Christmas.

“AAARRRGGHHHH!!!!” I growled. “I should have known better. I was raised smarter than this!”

2022 Nutshells, Florida, Health, Holidays

Resolving to be more goal-oriented in 2022

December 31, 2021 No Comments

Happy new year to you all! I hope 2021 ended brightly, and that 2022 will be a beacon of hope, health and whatever the old year wasn’t. Plus, you win the lottery.

If you’re like me, you’re still trying to get a fix on what to expect in the new year. Maybe you were struggling with what kind of resolutions to make. I know I was. In fact, I found myself pondering what that old tradition even means. I went so far as to look up the word “resolve,” and the
Merriam-Webster dictionary defined it this way: “to make a definite and serious decision to do something.”

And then I finally understood why resolutions don’t work: Anyone can “make” a definite and serious decision – I resolve to invent faster-than-light space travel! – but who has the drive to actually follow through?

So, this year I decided to skip resolutions in favor of project management-approved goals that will come with action plans and data-driven results. It’s not too late for you to follow my lead, so I thought I would share with you my “Goals for 2022”:

• Wear more Adventure Pants – They’re not really called that. It’s a name my brother has given to this brand of utility dungarees that have cool pockets, stretchable fabric and the durability of petrified wood. His have gone one step further into the “adventure” category with holes burned in from campfires and poison ivy growing out of a pocket. They’re ridiculously comfortable, and call you to venture out into the wilds, replace the suspension on your vehicle or just sit down at your desk and write a really great action plan for wearing more Adventure Pants.

2021 Nutshells, Getting old ... er ... older, Parenthood and Children

Happy birthday to the not-so-little one

December 25, 2021 No Comments

Happy birthday, little one!

Nope … hold on … something’s not right …

Happy birthday, kid!

No, check that …

Let’s try: Happy birthday, short stack!

That’s definitely not it. She’s almost as tall as me.

Maybe: Little missy? Or Strawberry shortcake? Wee widdle one? Precious peanut? Ye’ who spent all my money on diapers? Baby boo-boo?

Oh, no. None of them are right. None of them work for a daughter who turned 16 today. Sixteen! Can you imagine such a thing? About the only one that works – the only possible option! – is the unthinkable one. The one I can’t fathom saying. The one that curdles the lips and twists the tongue into knots. It will crumple my soul to hear it out loud. Can I even say it, this crime upon the ears?

2021 Nutshells, Holidays, Houses, yards and projects

The Christmas break house project extravaganza

December 20, 2021 No Comments

Yeah! Sit around. Do nothing. Start the day with mimosas and a good book in bed. By myself! Yeah!

When I ended up with a bunch of unused vacation days at the end of the year, it seemed like magic. A gift. Like being a kid at the arcade. When you won a whole bunch of tickets in Skee-ball and went to the gift shop to redeem them. “Look at all the possibilities for them to rip me off!” Troll dolls. Gummy worms. Water pistols. Cheap plastic Army men with parachutes that don’t work. And lots of other things your mom will quickly round up and throw away. The world is magical! How can there be this much joy?

This was how I was feeling about my week off at home.

But we all know the myth about that. How quickly reality sets it, and the time off becomes something else entirely. Because while I might dream of lounging around and reading and working on my Skee-ball skills at some grungy arcade, the truth is my week got filled up with … house projects!

EGAD!!!

I did it to myself. No one else to blame. I front-loaded my time by taking on all manner of things I had pushed off for months. Even years.

2021 Nutshells, Health

Accepting the Internet’s challenge for a better me

December 9, 2021 No Comments

I love the Internet because it is awash with things it thinks we need to live happier, healthier and more productive lives. Plus, it knows the secret to six-pack abs in less than two weeks.

What could be better than that?

And more and more when I hop on the Web, I’m bombarded with all sorts of these challenges, health and fitness tips and advice columns – some legitimate and some questionable – that promise to turn me into better versions of myself … with rockin’ abs!

I’ll take a helping of that, please.

Name your topic or area of need and you’ll find it:

“13 tips to have more willpower.”

“The 7 most important exercises for men over 40.”

“Kettlebell shoulder workouts to explode your conditioning.”

“How to write advice columns with no expertise or first-hand knowledge about what kettlebells are or why you want them to explode your shoulders.”

2021 Nutshells, Family, Holidays

Christmas shopping early this year … for me!

December 4, 2021 No Comments

I’ve always been a last-minute gift shopper. The kind of person who goes down to the wire. Like the dawn of Christmas is cracking over the horizon and I’m out in the shed trying to build my own 4K flatscreen TV because I waited too long to order it.

“The picture’s a little fuzzy, but that’s just WIFI issues,” I tell my family as I hang a piece of hastily cut and crudely painted plywood on the living room wall. “Just wait and you’ll see the colors pop!”

But this year, I’m taking no chances. I’m heeding the advice of experts, analysts and retailers who say that you can’t wait to do your shopping. A host of supply-chain and shipping issues combined with parts shortages and climbing prices have managed to make things we want more scarce, and more expensive.

Shoot, even if you’re giving the latest in high-tech toiler paper, you might be … well … something out-of-luck.

So, I’m pre-empting my procrastination and getting on the ball. I’m buying everything I can right away. Asking for ideas early, and placing orders left and right. Box-after-box of gifts are thrown over my fence. I have a cardboard fort of delivery items stacked up in my front room. I have no idea what most of them are. My keyboard keys and mouse were flying so fast, and I was just buying at random. Anything that popped up on my screen.

And I fear I’ve taken it too far.

2021 Nutshells, Holidays

Thanksgivers dish out some gratitude

November 25, 2021 No Comments

Sometimes we lose sight of how important Thanksgiving truly is. Caught up in the turkey or the parades or the standing in lines to buy ridiculously cheap flat-screen TVs, we forget about the need to give thanks and show gratitude. I know I do, and it’s why I need to stop and remind myself what the spirit of the holiday is all about. So, this week I thought I would take the time to show thanks for everything I’m appreciative of:

• I’m thankful for special, un-planned house repairs. Especially the ones that pop-up right before major holidays and demand emergency attention because people are coming in a matter of days. Like when some critters not only figured out how to get back into my attic, but also that it would be really funny to chew their way into some ductwork. Imagine their surprise when they discovered I don’t actually keep food in there. And imagine my surprise when I discovered the little pile of insulation beneath an AC duct caused by disappointed critters. That I would need to climb up there to do some varmint-proofing and ductwork-replacing so my guests don’t find their turkey and stuffing seasoned with a sprinkle of pink insulation. Oh, the joys of old-house living. For that, I give thanks.

• I’m thankful that when I told myself years ago, “You know, you should really clear out all this junk in the attic in case there’s an emergency repair needed to prevent familial humiliation right before a major holiday,” that I didn’t listen to myself. That I poo-poo-ed it. That I thought, “Yeah, like that will ever happen!” and just left all that junk piled up so present-day me would have to cart it out before I can even locate the ducts.